Who Knows Amanda? – (2020 AWA Winner) by Asoloko Gloria Akayi, Nigeria

CHARACTERS

UDOH

MAMA

BEAUTY

BISOLA

PAPA

JULIET

ALHAJI

GODWIN

 

NOTE: Beauty’s character is best played by a male actor.

 

Lights come on the set. It is a modern sitting room with an expensive-looking interior design and furniture. UDOH is pacing about the sitting room. He is quite pensive. He has a baby on his back and a feeding bottle in his hand. The drums start to play; UDOH sings a song and the orchestra accompanies him.

 

“Lonely”

 

Verse One: In this world of untimely death

I am lonely

With a child alone on earth

I am lonely

Chorus:      Oh God, come to my rescue

Teach me to care for him

How will I scale through?

I want to be there for him

I can’t leave him lonely

I won’t leave him lonely

Verse Two: How will I wipe his tears?

When he is broken

How will I calm his fears?

When he is frozen

(Repeat chorus.)

As the song fades, there is a knock on the door. UDOH hurriedly goes to open it. MAMA and BEAUTY (who is not beautiful but mannish, and has an over-emphasised make-up on her face) hurriedly enter before UDOH could interrogate them. He goes after them quickly.

UDOH:      Yes? Who are you? Can I help you? (MAMA and BEAUTY are scrutinising the house with their eyes.) Excuse me…

MAMA:     (Notices the child on his back.) Chimo! That must be my grandchild.

UDOH:      Your grandchild? Who are you?

MAMA:     Don’t stand there and ask me unanswerable questions! Who else could I be? Didn’t I just refer to that child whom you are carrying as my grandchild? Shouldn’t your senses tell you that I am his grandmother? Well, I am Amanda’s mother; and this is her sister. You must be the housekeeper.

UDOH:      Mother? Sister? But Amanda was an only child and an orphan; her parents are dead.

MAMA:     Chineke! How is that your business? I just told you that we are her family; and you still won’t welcome us, ngwanu? Ah, weren’t you trained well? You foolish housekeeper!

UDOH:      I am not a housekeeper.

MAMA:     Who are you then?

UDOH:      I am Udoh, Amanda’s husband.

MAMA & BEAUTY:   (Surprised.) Husband?

UDOH:      Yes, her husband.

MAMA:     Really? I see. But we were not told that Amanda had gotten married… (Scrutinises him from head to toe.) …to a boy!

UDOH:      Neither was I told that her mother came back from the land of the dead… and that she even brought with her a full-grown adult as daughter. Do you spirits also reproduce in the land of the dead?

BEAUTY:  Eh? We are not spirits oh. (She walks to UDOH and touches him.) Didn’t you feel that touch? I told you that we are not spirits… we are her stepfamily.

UDOH:      Stepfamily?

BEAUTY:  Yes. Mama is her step-mother… and I am her step-sister.

UDOH:      (Confused.) How?

MAMA:     (Sarcastically.) I colonised her whole family. That was how I became her step-mother. Mpama! (Hisses and sits down on a couch.) You will do well by welcoming us now.

UDOH:      I am sorry, mama. You are welcome. (Looks around.) But you didn’t come with travelling bags.

MAMA:     Yes, we won’t be here for long. We only came because of that child.

UDOH:      Which child? Aminugochifefeleojo?

MAMA&BEAUTY:     Ami… what?

UDOH:      Aminugochifefeleojo, that’s his name. Oh, you didn’t even know that.What a shame!

MAMA:     That is a sentence, not a name. Biko, you will do well by simplifying that sentence for us.

UDOH:      You can call him Aminugo.

MAMA & BEAUTY: Ehen, Aminugo!

UDOH:      So, why are you here for him?

(BEAUTY is now slowly pacing about the sitting room, admiring the interior pieces.)

MAMA:     My son, you see, before we met you, our plan was to take the child home and bring him up.

UDOH:      Why?

MAMA:     Are you not a Nigerian? In Nigeria, when someone dies, the person’s family takes over everything. Oh, poor Amanda, she just left us unannounced. (She begins to feign a tearless cry.)

BEAUTY:  (Goes to comfort MAMA.) Oh mama, I thought that by now you’d stop this. (To UDOH.) Each time Amanda’s issue is brought up, she begins to cry bitterly. (She wipes MAMA’S face.)

UDOH:      Why are you wiping her face? She has no tears streaming down her cheeks. This does not resemble a cry oh, let alone a bitter one.

MAMA:     How can I cry with tears in front of my grandchild? Traditionally, we don’t do that.

UDOH:      According to which tradition? By the way, this child is asleep, and he is not wise enough to know if an adult cries or not. So, you can feel free to cry your eyes out.

MAMA:     My stream of tears must have gone dry from all the tears I had cried out when I heard about Amanda’s death. Chai! And she left my grandchild alone in this world.

UDOH:      He is not your grandchild but step-grandchild.

MAMA:     That is beside the point.

UDOH:      What then is the point? Tell me, what brought you here?

MAMA:     My son, you need help.

UDOH:      What kind of help?

MAMA:     Domestic help; someone who will assist you in bringing this child up. Just look at you, helpless boy! Traditionally, men don’t cater for children like this; they are not caregivers, and their duties don’t revolve around the home. Never! But look at you… all alone in this mighty house, forced to take care of a toddler. You bathe him; cook and feed him; wash his bum bum; calm him down when he is upset; put him to sleep; and wake up from your sweet sleep at the slightest sound of his cry at night just to comfort him. How long do you intend to continue like this?

UDOH:      (Pensive.) Mama, you are right. It has not been easy at all. It’s only been a few days, and I am exhausted already. I will get help.

MAMA:     Ehen! That is the spirit. How soon?

UDOH:      Before the week runs out. I will tell my mother to send someone from the village to come and be the baby’s Nanny.

MAMA:     Chai! Bia, where are you from?

UDOH:      I am from Calabar.

MAMA:     Tufiakwa! Look, no bush Calabar girl is coming to touch my grandchild…

UDOH:      Step-grandchild.

MAMA:     Whatever! My step-grandchild will not be raised by a dirty Nanny. Do you hear? He needs a mother to raise him up well, not temporal nincompoops, who will go and get pregnant for drunkards and then leave the poor little child alone.

UDOH:      Who said all nannies get pregnant?

MAMA:     All Calabar nannies get pregnant. Those loose akwunas who are certified sex workers? (Hisses.) God forbid!

UDOH:      What then do you want me to do?

MAMA:     Get a wife. You need a wife. (The drums start to play. MAMA stands up and sings, and the orchestra accompanies her.)

“Wife”

Verse One: When a man needs company

When a man is hungry

When a man wants a family

Who helps him? A wife

When he needs someone by his side

He has to get himself a bride

Chorus:      Every man needs a woman in his life

It is that woman he calls wife

To be there for him all his life

2-4-7 and 3-6-5

Verse Two: When a man needs attention

When he craves much affection

In the bosom of his mansion

Who is there for him? A wife

(Repeat chorus.)

Verse Three: In sickness and in health

In poverty or wealth

She is always by his side

And she is forever his pride

(Repeat chorus.)

(The song ends.)

UDOH:      Okay then. (MAMA sits back down on the couch; she is smiling from ear to ear.) I will tell my mother to send a responsible girl from the village for me to marry…

MAMA:     (Hurriedly jumps to her feet.) Tah! Tufiakwa! Which village? Calabar? Which responsible girl? Calabar girl? God forbid! Every little thing ‘my village this, my village that. My mother will send this or send that from the village’. Are your senses tied to your village? We should probably call your mother to send them too.

(BEAUTY laughs out loud.)

UDOH:      (Embarrassed.) Mama, do not embarrass me.

MAMA:     (Hisses and sits back down on the couch. BEAUTY goes back to admiring the items in the sitting room.) Look, I don’t want any Calabar girl to raise this child. In fact, I don’t even want any outsider to raise the child.

UDOH:      Mama, what are you saying?

MAMA:     I am saying that you should marry from the family.

UDOH:      What!

MAMA:     Oh yes. Traditionally, it is done like that for social security reasons. And the reason I am suggesting this is that Amanda owned all these properties; so, if you marry an outsider, you will be denied your rights over the properties. But if you marry from within, you will share everything equally with your new wife.

UDOH:      Which tradition says so?

MAMA:     You wait and see.

UDOH:      But Amanda’s lawyer said Amanda willed everything to Aminugo; so, whosoever shall raise him up will have access to his funds in order to provide for the child’s needs until he is grown.

MAMA:     Well, that was the message we got; and that is why we are here. There is a problem with all these Oyinbo laws, eh. In our tradition, there is no such thing as, a will. But even with the will, do you want a stranger to have access to the child’s wealth? And when she sees how immense it is, she would plot to kill you and the child, and then take over everything.

UDOH:      Impossible!

MAMA:     Then do the right thing. Marry from the family, because an outsider as a step-mother for my grandchild is treacherous.

UDOH:      Coming from a step-mother, I bet you’d know better.

MAMA:     Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

UDOH:      Never mind, Mama. So, supposing I accept your proposal, who will I marry?

MAMA:     Now, you are talking… (Smiles.) Who do you see before you?

UDOH:      You… (Realises that MAMA is the one before him. He starts to shout.) Ah, Mama that is impossible! How could I marry you? You old pervert, get away and flee from me!

BEAUTY:  (Runs towards MAMA and UDOH.) Mama, what did I hear him say?

MAMA:     (To BEAUTY) Am I in your ears? How would I know what you heard? (Turns to UDOH.) Bia, calm down. See the person I was referring to. (Points to BEAUTY.)You will marry her, not me. She is Amanda’s sister; her name is Beauty.

(The drums start to play and BEAUTY sings. She is accompanied by the orchestra.)

 

“I’m Beautiful”

Verse One: My name is Beauty

I know I’m damn pretty

From my head to my toe

I make the boys say oh

So they chase me up and down

Whenever I go downtown

Chorus:      Because I’m beautiful (Check me out)

They say I’m wonderful

Yes, I know I’m beautiful (Check me out)

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’m beautiful

Verse Two: From the East to the West

I know I’m the best

You can see it on my chest

I’m not like the rest

From the North to the South

They want to kiss my mouth

So I smile and I pout

When the boys ask me out

(Repeat chorus.)

As the song ends, BEAUTY smiles and bats her eyelashes at UDOH. UDOH begins to cry mechanically.)

BEAUTY:  Mama, why is he crying?

MAMA:     Udoh, Beauty wants to know why you are crying.

UDOH:      I am crying because of her. (Points at BEAUTY.)

BEAUTY:  Mama, what did I do?

MAMA:     Beauty wants to know what she did.

UDOH:      She is not beautiful!

BEAUTY:  Chineke! Mama did you hear him?

MAMA:     Nne, I am old, not deaf. (BEAUTY begins to cry. MAMA turns to BEAUTY.) Oginni? Why are you crying?

BEAUTY:  He said I am ugly.

MAMA:     He didn’t say you are ugly… he said you are not beautiful. So, what about that? (Hisses.) Isn’t that true? Or are you beautiful? Look at you, you are older than Amanda; yet, she was able to get a husband before she died; but you haven’t. Now, you stand there crying because a man who might marry you said you are not beautiful. Nne, half bread is better than none. (She gets up.) I don’t have your time. So, as you both cry, get to know each other, okay? Let me go and locate the kitchen; I am hungry. (She exits.)

(BEAUTY and UDOH are still crying without tears on their faces. BEAUTY takes a seat.)

BEAUTY:  Stop crying! Don’t you know that your cry will wake the child up?

UDOH:      It is not my cry that will wake the child up; it is yours. Even your cry is ugly… so ugly. See your face! (His cry increases.)

BEAUTY:  If you keep calling me ugly, I will not marry you.

UDOH:      Hallelujah!

BEAUTY:  Half bread isn’t better than none.

UDOH:      Shall a woman live by bread alone? Why not go and soak garri instead of hustling for half bread? By the way, I am not half bread oh… I am full bread.

BEAUTY:  You are even admitting that you are bread instead of a man. Shame!

(There is a knock on the door. UDOH hesitates.)

BEAUTY:  (Still crying.) Won’t you stop crying? Go and open the door…

UDOH:      Don’t tell me what to do. (He stops crying and wipes his tearless face.) You, stop crying and wipe your face… I have a visitor.

BEAUTY:  Don’t tell me what to do. (Her cry increases.)

(UDOH ignores her and walks to the door. He opens the door and BISOLA enters. She has exaggerated Yoruba tribal marks on her face. She is looking quite exotic, and is carrying an expensive-looking handbag. UDOH is frightened. BEAUTY’s cry decreases.)

BISOLA:    Hello! I am Bisola, Amanda’s very, very, extremely, exceptionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually… I mean, Amanda’s only friend. (She notices the child on UDOH’S back.) Oh my God; that must be the child. And you are?

UDOH:      Shocked.

BISOLA:    No, you are?

UDOH:      Terribly shocked.

BISOLA:    I mean, who are you?

UDOH:      No, who are you?

BISOLA:    I am Bisola, Amanda’s very, very, extremely, exceptionally, physica… (BEAUTY’S cry increases and distracts BISOLA. BISOLA walks away from UDOH, towards BEAUTY. She quickly sits beside BEAUTY whose head is bent downwards and she begins to cry too.) Oh dear, it hurts so much I know. I can’t believe it myself. Amanda was so young and beautiful; yet she died. So, even beautiful people die, let alone the ugly ones. God, please take away the ugly ones and leave the beautiful ones for us.

BEAUTY:  (Stops crying.) And who exactly are the ugly ones?

(BEAUTY raises her head up to look at BISOLA. Their gazes meet, and they both shriek out of the fright of each other’s faces. They jump up to their feet.)

BISOLA:    Ah! The ugly ones are truly alive.

BEAUTY:  Don’t insult me!

BISOLA:    But I didn’t mention your name, did I?

BEAUTY:  Why then did you scream?

BISOLA:    I screamed because your scream made my scream to scream. You started it. So, why did you scream?

BEAUTY:  I screamed because you frightened me.

BISOLA:    How? What did I do?

BEAUTY:  When I saw your face, I thought you were a tiger.

BISOLA:    Mo gbe! Is it because I covered up about why I screamed? Well, let me tell you. I screamed because you look like a scare crow.

BEAUTY:  What! Me?

BISOLA:    Yes. You just called me a tiger, abi? Well, I am an animal… I agree. But you are too ugly to be called an animal even. You are…

BEAUTY:  How dare you call me ugly?

BISOLA:    How dare you call me a tiger?

BEAUTY:  I didn’t call you a tiger… I said I thought you were a tiger.

BISOLA:    Iro ni! Ah! You called me a tiger… I will show you how tigers behave. (She starts to hop up and down.) I am a tiger, abi?

UDOH:      Ladies, calm down. (Walks to BEAUTY and BISOLA.) What is it? You just met each other, yet you are fighting over obvious truths. (To BEAUTY.) Yes, you are the textbook definition of ugly… accept it. (Turns to BISOLA.) And you, you definitely survived a tiger’s attack, or you are a tiger in disguise; only God knows. Have you two seen your faces? You both look like a toddler’s art works. Look, the baby is resting and doesn’t want to be woken up by ugly or tiger. So, settle your matter now. (Walks away from them.)

BISOLA:    (Looks at BEAUTY from head to toe.) Perhaps, we should start from the basics. I am Bisola, Amanda’s very, very, extremely, exceptionally…

BEAUTY:  I get it! You are her friend.

BISOLA:    No, I am not just her friend. I am her very, very…

BEAUTY:  I get it! Well, I am Amanda’s sister, Beauty.

BISOLA:    (Laughs.) Beauty? Which figure of speech is that? A metaphor or an irony? Oh, maybe euphemism! (UDOH bursts into laughter. BEAUTY is not smiling. BISOLA feigns a cough and stops laughing.) Err, so you are a sister…

BEAUTY:  I am not a sister; I am the sister. The one and only sister…

BISOLA:    But I don’t know you.

BEAUTY:  Neither do I.

BISOLA:    So, you don’t know yourself, abi?

(UDOH laughs again.)

BEAUTY:  (Turns to UDOH.) What is funny?

(UDOH suppresses his laughter.)

BISOLA:    (Looks at UDOH.) And I guess he is the younger brother…

BEAUTY:  Wrong! He is not the brother; he is the husband…

BISOLA:    Come on! Such a handsome young man like him, to be married to such a beauty like you… No offense, but aren’t you rather old and… beautiful for him?

UDOH:      Help me ask her. Yet she is even shouting that she won’t marry me. As if she isn’t the one begging.

BEAUTY:  (To UDOH.) Shut up! (Turns to BISOLA.) And you, why are you lying? Who are you?

BISOLA:    What do you mean?

BEAUTY:  Don’t ask me, you bloody liar! You claim to be Amanda’s… (Mimics BISOLA.) very, very, extremely, bla-bla… friend. But say the truth; you are not her friend. Who are you?

BISOLA:    But I am…

BEAUTY:  Tah! Shut up! If you are truly Amanda’s friend, then you would have known that he… (points at UDOH) is not my husband but Amanda’s.

BISOLA:    (Shocked.) Oluwa o!

BEAUTY:  Imposter!

BISOLA:    Stop that! I am not an imposter; I am Amanda’s very, very, extremely… well, her friend. I have a photograph to prove it. (She searches through her handbag and retrieves a photograph.) Look. (The drums begin to play. BISOLA sings and the orchestra accompanies her.)

 

“I Am Real”

Verse One: I am not made of plastic or wood

But I have flesh and that’s good

So why do you call me imposter?

Or do I look like you, sister?

I have a nationality, I have a race

I have these tribal marks across my face

So how then am I an imposter?

Or do I look like you, sister?

Chorus:      Hello my name is Bisola

A very good friend to Amanda

I don’t need to shout about it

This picture already proves it

I am who I say I am

Verse Two…

The complete play will be published soon.

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Who Knows Amanda? by Asoloko Gloria Akayi is the winner of the 2020 African Writers Award for Drama

Read the winning entry for Poetry
Read the winning entry for Creative Non-Fiction